We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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