Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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