guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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