I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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