I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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