So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
