What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
