In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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