Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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