erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This baby is an asshole
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
