If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
