We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
