I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
