i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
