I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
