I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
