Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
