i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I currently don't understand fingers.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
