Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
what day is it and did you see me today?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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