im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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