I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
