is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
