Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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