My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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