my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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