i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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