it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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