dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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