Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my liver is dry heaving
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
