just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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