Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
