My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
