i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
