Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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