I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
