apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
