Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
