I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We are two peas in an std pod
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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