Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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