i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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