My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
