she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
