I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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