He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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