I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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