The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
