He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
