At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
