its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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