You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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