i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
