i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
