I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We talked him into tasing himself.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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