it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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