New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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