Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
there's paper in my vomit.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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