oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
